Rola Sakuraba: My Change of Heart
by MioMinato
Summary: This is not a story per say specifically for AiStars, but more my own story, journey and how relating to Rola quite literally helped me love myself.


Well, it's finally over. For most people the story of Aikatsu Stars started two years ago, but for me it was only last June. This is written from my perspective. I don't care if anyone really reads this, but it's how I truely feel about Aistars and Rola.

I've always been into anime, always found that one character I sort of related to. It was never perfect but i could figure out something, even if it was remote, I could connect to. Even characters I barely had a connection with I could learn something small from them. But I doubt any other character will ever compare to this.

As with everyone, there are different arcs in our lives. My first being my childhood, which in the end caused my emotional walls and lack of self esteem. Overbearing parents and people that just didn't believe in me. I was rigid, haughty and sometimes downright mean. I faked a superiority complex that hid just how inferior I felt. I wanted to be a singer since I was 3, but was told I lacked presence or was too ugly. To put in blantant terms, I was too sharp and had a stick up my own arse.

Every person in my life has left an impact, both good and bad, but I never related to anyone at all. At least not enough to alter my own poor perceptions of myself When i moved to the UK it was my new start. A chance to be away from my overbearing family and figure out who I really am. And while the person I was with was abrasive and cruel, I felt more at home there than anywhere else I had been. Despite replacing one pair of chains for another, I still had more freedom to figure out core parts of myself. I stopped being so rigid, learned to take myself less seriously and had fun (when i could). The christmas markets, concerts, and even my job. Everything encompassed what made me who I am today. Finally, a place I felt I belonged.

And then as quick as it was given to me it was taken away, I had to run back to the USA due to poor home circumstances. I was so close to permanent residency. And I've wanted to go back ever since.

True, it was often rough. The amount of abuse I endured makes me still wonder how I survived. But I did. Despite everything, my experience there was definitely invaluable. I found a part of myself I would have never figured out any other way. Even something as silly as my dyeing my hair pink or wearing the clothes I bought at the nearby indie shop. It was still me, who I was and who I wanted to be.

Then came some dark years. I wanted away from the USA, I was thrown back into a place where gender bias was far more pronounced. I once again felt the pressure I had not felt for four years. I grew once again to despise my gender, and grew despise myself and who I really am more by each day. My parents refused to let me move back in with them if my hair was pink. In dyeing it back to my natural color, maybe I was symbolically giving up a part of myself and my personal freedom.

My life has been far from easy, I've endured plenty of things that would probably shock most of you reading this. But I won't get into that any further. This story isn't about the hardships, but more how I grew and became who I am today and how Rola relates.

I never really had kinship with anyone, no one I could directly say is just like me. No one I could learn from or feel an affinity to. It was always me, myself and I trying to struggle through my own deep-seated issues. I wondered if i would ever get over the issues that had been plaguing me my entire life. My lack of self esteem, a lack of purpose or path, and the ever knawing desire to sing but not finding the words or confidence. I had tried so many times to pull myself back up, tried to get myself out there, only to come crashing down in bitter defeat. I was so emotionally walled off I practically had no idea what most emotions were anymore. And competing? What was the point? I would only lose anyway. You'd think I'd have had depression at that point in my life. It was entirely circumstantial and a lack of purpose.

But at least when I got away from my parents again I dyed my hair back to pink.

I had given up watching anime. I have been persuing mentorship, trying to put my life back together and become a better me. But it's hard to learn when you just can't relate to most people. It lacks a certain resonance. Maybe I can be a bit dense and thickheaded.

It was just a normal April in 2017. My girlfriend was randomly watching shows she found online and found something called Aikatsu. She tried to show me the first episode but I thought it was stupid. My first impression was that bad CGI they used in DDR games. I'd call out random DDR phrases any time she'd watch the CGI scenes in front of me. I was probably really obnoxious. But as I would sneak peaks looking at it while she watched I found myself growing to love it. It was about singing and being the best you you could be. It was the perfect message for that part of my life. And it was inspiring! But I found I didn't really relate to the characters. Aoi had caught my attention, but there still was something missing there to make me completely click with her. But I loved her all the same.

It wasn't that uncommon for me to relate a little bit. When I was younger I was called Naru by my friends because I felt so similar to Naru Narusegawa from Love Hina. But really the only thing I related to her with was her horrible emotional walls. Finding that in a character isn't overly difficult, I can usually pick out one character like that I can sympathize with. But I never really learned anything from it that caused any particular significance.

And then there was Aikatsu Stars.

I didn't want to watch it. I had finished season 2 of Aikatsu and was not wanting to waste any more time watching TV. i wanted to somehow figure out how to muddle through and get over those issues I still couldn't solve. But my girlfriend showed me the first episode in June 2017.

I wasn't impressed.

Honestly I couldn't stand Yume, she annoyed me. At the end of the episode I said "The only character remotely interesting is the pink haired one, and we don't really know anything about her."

She continued to watch Stars without me, watching episodes of season 3 of Aikatsu with me in between. Until one day she sat down next to me and told me I needed to watch one more episode of Stars. I was irritated cause I thought it was a waste of time and was already attached to the original Aikatsu, but I humored her anyway.

It was episode 7, an entire episode about Rola, that pink haired girl I had noticed from the first episode. As I watched the episode I could metaphorically see my eyes widen and jaw drop. As a singer I was always conflicted at how to have presence, because clearly I was told all the time I didn't have any. I battled myself and the same low self image Rola had in that episode. The unrealistic expectations put on her, that strong desire to show everyone her worth and shine, and even her obsession with sukombu (except mine is salmon) Everything about her just seemed to fit. Even down to the pink hair. It's really hard to explain to someone on the outside looking in, it was like everything fell into place and made sense.

I watched Stars after that from the first episode; watching it entirely for Rola. Her struggles with herself, how she would feel after losing over and over again to Yume. Her fear of heights and having that needed support from the one girl who may have very well been her first real friend. She acted so abrasive at first, I wouldn't have been surprised if she had always been alone, like Cheri from AKB0048. And I understood that abrasiveness, because I had felt alone for most of my life. I understood her need to compete and prove herself worthy, and the crushing defeat when it doesn't come to fruition.

And then seeing her hit rock bottom and attempt to figure herself out by going back home. Only, like for myself, it was not much of a help for me to be back home with my family. It was only through the guidance of Lily and rock legend Eikichi that she realized the whole point. It was like when I found mentorship; it was a flicker of hope lighting the darkness. I had no idea what path I was supposed to take, or if I should even bother. Going my way, a simple concept, yet it took me a bit to fully understand it.

Going my way is great if you actually know your purpose, a why, the reason you push forward. And despite her conviction that she was going the right path, Rola did not have a why. She was still not completely sure of herself. A part of her still desired glory over Yume over everything else. She still wavered. And at the S4 selection she worried she was only copying Lily and not shining her brightest as herself. We definitely have overthinking in common. And that made me wonder if my own personal growth due to Rola was just a mimicry of her emotions. Another thing we have in common, we learn better through others showing us the way. Lily lit the path for Rola, and Rola lit the path for me. Seeing her declare "This song is from my way of life. This is Sakuraba Rola." resonated with me. It didn't matter the source, the meaning behind it held true.

And finally she wasn't upset when yume beat her in the S4 election, she was proud of her.

It gave me the courage to finally try again. I tried out for my work's talent show (which ironically had the tagline "it's your time to shine" it was the little signs that just added up) It wasn't about competing, it was getting over my stage fright and becoming a better singer, a better me. Because singing has always been my core. It was a sad day when I stopped singing, it's that point I had given up. I had always wanted to sing other people's silences. If I could impact at least ONE person with my song, it would all be worth it.

It was October 2017 and we had been watching season 2. I watched her protect Yume way before Rei was really even introduced as a princely character. I've always been protective of who I care about and it wasn't uncommon for me to jump in front of them to block them from harms way. So seeing her doing the same only made me love her even more. And seeing her be insulted by Elza, her being told she lacked presence. How could I not relate?

I watched her stagnate and fall to the background, around the same time I had been still mulling over my own why. Like her, I'm great at short term goals. Getting her own brand and wings, they were both short term goals. I watched her defiantly change Spice Chord to her own vision. After all, "who cares if it's twisted" nothing new comes from lack of change. But after obtaining her star wings she really did not any other dreams to shoot for. She was admining for Yume while also handling most of the Student council work since most likely Yuzu wasn't around often. The fire she once had was dimming. She was horrible at the long term. Elza rightly called her out on it. And when Elza said Rola lacked passion, even my own girlfriend turned to me and said "You're right, you're like Rola." Owch.

But I couldn't even be mad, I really had zero hopes or goals, nor any idea what path I should be taking. I always put other people first. Their dreams and goals were important to me, to the point I was overshadowed. I couldn't have related more to her at this point. Everything in my life, tarot, videos that just happened to pop up in my feed, everything was calling me to figure out what my why was. What was the reason for my "Aikatsu", my way of life? And I had no clue. I had no real direction.

In episode 86, Rola finally made her mind up to try again. She wanted to be in the Aikatsu Tournament so badly. She wanted to give it that push, except Elza got in her way. Did she want to quit? Of course! She was pretty adept at running away at this point. Why bother if you're just going to lose right? And her friends didn't have any words of encouragement when she needed it most.

Ayano was who she needed to see at that moment. My mentor once told us a story awhile ago about a marathon race. The media approached the winner after he passed the finish line. When they asked him about the race, the winner responded "ask the person in last place instead." When they asked why he responded "Because I finished the race when everyone is here cheering for me. After everyone has left, the crowd is gone and only he remains will he cross that finish line. He is the one who continues to perservere when no one is there to support him."

The media is taken aback of course but asks "Well what is the name of this person?"

To which the winner replied "His name is Character."

I don't even know how this show could have been more spot on from that story. It was a literal last place marathon runner encouraging Rola. I was watching Rola learn from watching Character personified. A Character that refused to lose to her weaker self who keeps trying. And it impacted Rola the same way it impacted me.

Yes, she lost. Yes, it hurt her like crazy because she literally got flatted by Elza. But it was here we started to see a change. She openly cried to Yume. It was here we saw her growth in Character when she started to see her emotional walls waver. And in the following episodes her understanding of her own walls and their limitations were exemplified by her empathy toward Elza's own. I only wish she had been able to have that conversation with Elza showing how much she understood. And it's due to her trying again that Black Star noticed her potential, that glimmer still in her soul. A glimmer that my mentors saw in me when I was at my darkest point.

I think her friends really did not understand how to help her. Only Tsubasa, with her own emotional walls, was able to call her out during bean throwing. Rola, like myself, was always the type to shove her own emotions behind her wall and smile for everyone else. She showed more care towards Yume than she showed for herself. How can someone really understand emotional walls without having experienced them?

She kept her decision and answer regarding Black Star inside until the end, when Yume assumed Rola would be competing again for the S4 spot. At this point her emotional walls started to completely fall.

I have had emotional walls since I was a child. I was alone, isolated and had so much self loathing I'm amazed I'm still alive. I had developed learned helplessness and had practically given up. I didn't have a Yume growing up, no support to tell me I could be more and achieve greater things. And I viewed myself as the world's punching bag, here to take the brunt so no one else had to. It was a miserable place to be. And I hid it behind a smile as I tried to help whoever I could. My dreams of being a singer had been dimming, and I had stopped practicing.

Two years ago in 2016, the same time Aistars started, I was shown mentorship. Finally I had people supporting me. People who loved me for who I am. And I was slow at growing, because while I had that encouragement I still had no idea about my own path. To be honest I held them at arms length. It was hard to accept people actually caring about me and seeing more in me. That's where I related to Elza, I was so used to people just disappearing from my life that I got what I could out of them and moved on. They wouldn't stick around anyway as far as I was concerned. But here were people who have been there for me through thick and thin. My group of friends like what Rola has. Truth me told, it can be awe inspiring.

Seeing Rola grow, every struggle she faced, resonated with my own personal shortcomings. With everything she learned I could feel my own issues resolving. I finally understood parts of myself I never thought I would ever come to accept. I no longer had issues accepting my gender, and parts of myself I had kept hidden finally came to light. I saw myself in her and as she grew so did I. Of all the shows and movies I watched, anime, cartoon or live action, I had never come across a character that felt so much like...me.

Why is it that it's widely acceptable for people to have learned from characters in books or live action shows or movies, but it's so outlandish for someone to relate to a character in a cartoon or anime? The very point of these characters is for them to be relatable. There's a reason most media has the disclaimer "Any resemblance to persons living or dead are purely coincidental" because odds are there will be _**someone**_ who's basically spot on for that character in the world. And while I know that a lot of the negative stigma comes from a rising group called "kin", relating to a character does not inherently mean you believe you reincarnated from a character. This is not a desire to _**BE**_ like Rola; this is me coincidentally finding a character that was spot on with who I already was to begin with. If anything, Rola is like _**me**_ , who existed first, not visa versa. To be a real life version of Rola is inherently, to just be who I already was. Sure, it's a compliment to be told I resemble her, that her personality is unbelievably similar to mine. Because the entire series I kept waiting for her to somehow derail from her similarity with me, but as the series progressed she just kept hitting more aspects of myself. What occured was that one character that changed my life. Usually it's a particular person that walks into our lives, but since I rarely related to anyone I met, it ended up being a character. But the real importance is what I learned from her, how she made me _**feel**_.

As I said before, I used to hate myself. I felt worthless, without purpose. If i could have I would have disappeared off the face of the Earth never to be seen again. I had enclosed myself around barriers so thick it was like there were spikes coming from the inside of those walls repeatedly impaling me.

Rola helped me see the good in those parts of myself I had hated. Little by little, a light was shined into the depths of my very being. I found myself no longer hating whenever I looked at myself in the mirror. There were numerous people with zero knowledge of the show who kept asking if the girl I had on my desk was animated me. Rola is cute, surely if I even remotely resemble her then I wasn't the hideous beast I thought I was. Rola was girly, though a lesser degree to her friends, and I accepted that even though I _do_ like girly things, it doesn't make me weak. And my obsessive tendencies (like her obsession with taiyaki and sukombu) were just little quirks that made me, me. I didn't need to win to show my own self worth. Every day I started to push forward to defeat my weaker self. Every day I struck down that path that would be going my way. Every moment I didn't care if it wasn't the status quo, who cares if it was twisted? And every day I saw a difference. Everything culminated around her going to the UK, the place I have wanted to return. The place I had gone for my new start and the journey that led to today. She was truly starting a new beginning where mine had been.

But Rola had not stated her why.

Episode 99 was the episode I anticipated. I still had no idea about my why, what was driving me to move forward. It was my intuitive coworker that said through our conversations that even though I couldn't immediately see it myself, that my why was myself. My drive was to grow and be the best I could be. _For myself_. I had not see 99 at that point.

I was disappointed that Rola and Yume did not perform again, but the whole point of that episode was what they had forgotten. Yume had forgotten her promise to surpass Hime and be the best she could be. In doing so Rola remembered what she had forgotten.

At first, being as dense as ever, it sounded like Rola's why was Yume. And it's true a lot of people _do_ find their strength through helping the person they care about be happy. But I was a bit morose over that being her reason for Aikatsu. It didn't feel right, it didn't resonate with me. Was this the crossroads where I stopped relating with Rola? Was she growing just because of Yume?

And then I really took time to think about it, what she said and what it actually meant.

 _"_ _Because my inspiration is you. There's no way I could've made it this far on my own. It was only because you were next to me, never stopping, that no matter how much it hurt, I could muster the will to try again, to win the struggle against myself. Now that the person I've always wanted to surpass has become number one, I can't contain my excitement. I'll become so much better that you won't recognize me by the time I get back. Because the future me definitely won't lose!"_

The definition of inspire is _The process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative._ It's the spark the ignites the will to do something.

That is not the same thing as her "Why" her _Reason or purpose_. But it's in what she said.

Yume inspired her to keep going, her words of couragement was the light in her dark path. That's what mentorship has been for me. However, inspiration without a goal falls short. No, if her why was Yume she wouldn't be going to the UK. She would remain right by her side making sure she was happy. She would be fighting for Yume's happiness instead of her own.

Rola _is_ going to the UK. Why? " _I'_ _ll become so much better that you won't recognize me by the time I get back."_ Rola's drive is her own growth.

Rola's why was in the end, _herself_ , to be the best she could be.

To the very end we had that affinity. And seeing her achieve what she sought out for, her own strength, seeing her grow and be her best self and impact thousands directly impacted me. Her own sun wings were the very representation of being personally grown and achieving her _why_. She's finally able to throw off her past and "loser" stigma and stand there strong.

I really don't think I could have asked for better timing, or a better character to find that accordance with; it has now been two years after I started my own personal growth journey. As her emotional walls fell, I felt my own dissipate, something I never thought I'd experience. She had a group that fully appreciated her, fans that truely loved her. And I have my mentors and girlfriend that love me for who I am; even if I relate and found my answers through an anime character. Even if I find solace in being possibly the most similar person to Rola in existance. Is that true? How am I supposed to know, I don't know everyone in the world. I only see my perspective and my own emotions.

And some of you reading this may mock me. Call me a wannabe Rola. Call me delusional. Call me whatever you want. You know what? I really don't care. Those that have known me understand exactly what I'm talking about. Like she said in episode 2, _"Mind keeping those presumptions to yourselves? If you waste your time giggling and gossiping, you'll be passed in no time."_ Don't waste your time judging others when you should be working on yourself. Through her my weakest parts of me were exposed. My very faults were taken apart, examined and resolved. Through her pain I grew. When she laughed, I laughed, when she smiled, I smiled, when she struggled, I struggled, and when she was torn to shreds I felt every bit of her pain. Just like how my experience in the UK was invaluable, so is this experience. I doubt I'll ever see anyone else living or fictional I relate to as much. That's why I can speak so boldly about this. Because without Rola I would not be who I am now, I would have never fully accepted myself.

And you know what? I accept that. I hope that someday someone resonates with me, and how I feel to my very core. Someday, maybe someone will find that strength listening to my story and how boldly I speak. That they too will know they can overcome the walls that hold them captive within themselves. That what I learned through Rola and my mentors will resonate through those that will come after me, walking a similar path that Rola and I represent. Maybe they'll gain the strength to try again once more, as I did. As the arc of my life with Aikatsu Stars comes to a close, Rola has left a big imprint on my life that will always remain. I love you Rola, and always will; without you I'd have never fully accepted myself and I owe that to you. I really was too dense to figure it out without watching you. As you are inspired by Yume, I'm inspired by you. Thank you Rola.

Though the character herself does not truly exist in a literal sense, unless you are truly accounting for myself, I do hope to inspire someone else as much as Rola has inspired me. Someday, there will be a Laura S. walking onto that stage, whether it be singing or by other means. That Laura S. will be me. This is my battle cry.

I can't wait to see who I can impact in a positive way just like she did.


End file.
